Some couples never recover from betrayal– not because they didn’t want it or try hard enough, but because of the approach they used.

Those who commit to an integrated, holistic approach immediately after discovery tend to have the best long-term outcomes. Those who start with a divided approach– even if later transitioning to a unified one– typically achieve lower outcomes, often in proportion to the time spent in a divided state.

Every dead end and restart lowers their odds even further. Why? Each failed attempt feeds system dynamics that create what I call scorched earth, a term from military history describing the total destruction following war— crops burned, wells poisoned, infrastructure demolished.

In recovery, this occurs when couples experience failed attempts at marriage repair, often due to a non-integrated approach that leaves them more distant, more at odds, worn out, and facing added layers of devastation to clean up before even starting the real work.

What It Looks Like

A couple sits in my office, exhausted and desperate after years and thousands of dollars in therapy. Both clutch notebooks filled with insights from their respective specialists and groups. Both are armed with therapeutic language, but instead of using it to heal, they wield it as weapons.

"My therapist says I shouldn't have to..." "Well, MY therapist says you need to..." "That's your trauma response." "No, that's just your addiction talking."

They're not having a conversation—they're having a proxy war between their therapists.

How Therapy Can Create Scorched Earth

The Initial Split:

Most professionals are trained to focus on one “client,” namely him, her, or them. They sometimes rationalize this by claiming each person needs their own safe space. The truth is, working with multiple “clients” at once is infinitely more complex than focusing on one and ignoring the other two. But doing so comes at an extreme cost.

One woman told me her previous therapist refused to include her husband, because she thought he was a narcissist. Although she had never met the man, she rendered a diagnosis solely on the perspective of the woman, void of any firsthand observation. As a result, the marriage didn't stand a chance.

The Echo Chamber Effect:

As explored in "Feedback Loops Can Ruin A Marriage," when each spouse has their own therapist, those professionals only hear one perspective. This creates narrative bias and validation loops.

Both professionals reach conclusions about the unknown spouse based on selective reporting of their client, not based on first hand assessment.

Even if professionals resist this tendency, the way a client interprets and applies concepts can be twisted in ways that create scorched earth even if the professional strived to avoid it.

The Arms Race

As each spouse becomes entrenched in their divided narrative, they begin to recruit evidence to bolster their position and start weaponizing language and resources:

 • Therapy and group become a means to validate their opinion and vilify their spouse
 • Friends and family are triangulated into the drama
 • Online forums become ammunition arsenals

She says, 'I need space to process my trauma.' He counters with, 'My therapist says that's controlling behavior.' Both are using valid concepts, but as weapons rather than tools to create safety and adjust system dynamics.

Jumbled Puzzles

Solving a puzzle is hard enough on its own. What about when multiple puzzles are mixed together?

That's what happens when couples use non-integrated approaches. Without a guide who knows the entire picture, couples guess at which pieces go where—not realizing they come from different puzzles.

One couple came with six different therapeutic influences between them. Six competing voices, zero unity. No one was helping them create a masterpiece from the chaos.

The Fallout

When professionals insist on treating only individuals, they ignore a fundamental truth: in marriage, individual and relational health are inextricably linked. You cannot heal a relationship by treating individuals in isolation any more than you can heal a body by treating just one organ.

A counselor once told me, "I only work with betrayed women. It's too messy and confusing to hear what their husbands say."

Too messy? Of course it is! Marriage is messy! Recovery is messy! Pretending otherwise creates the scorched earth I’m warning you about.

I hate seeing good people get bad results, living in a wasteland that has resulted from months or years of myopic and non-integrated approaches that turn recovery into a weapon, drain them of emotional and financial resources, and extinguish hope for a healthy marriage.

If you are at the start of your journey, be wise and careful– avoid scorched earth at all costs. If you are already into your journey using a divided approach, I encourage you to quickly take corrective actions to protect yourself from creating scorched earth.

As someone who’s watched this too many times, I’m so very sorry! If you find yourself in the wastelands of scorched earth, my heart breaks for you– you deserved so much better.

Time to Reflect

Pause now to consider:

1. Unfaithful/Addicted Spouse: Are your support voices helping you understand your partner's pain, or just focused on changing your behavior?
2. Betrayed Spouse: Are your support voices helping you see your partner as a flawed human capable of change, or reinforcing a victim/villain narrative?
3. Both: How many different voices influence your recovery? Are they harmonizing toward healing or creating division?

Part 2 [coming 10/2] explains how to rebuild if division has already shaped your journey.  However, if you're tired of losing ground and want the benefits of an integrated, holistic approach, then check out the Marriage Recovery Course: 

Experience the
Integrated Approach 

RELATED:

• Scorched Earth: Part 2 - Rebuilding from the Ashes  [coming 10/2]
• Feedback Loops Can Ruin A Marriage
• Odds of Marriage Recovery