Talk Wants, Not Strategy

Have you noticed how hard it can be to make joint decisions?  Why do simple things become huge fights... like where to live, how to spend a tax refund, whether to change jobs, or how to split holiday time?  What should be a quick chat becomes a chronic disagreement and eventually a stalemate.

The main reason: you’re fighting the wrong fight.

Strategy vs. Desire

When couples hit an impasse, they tend to debate solutions while ignoring the deeper question: What desire are you actually trying to fulfill?  In other words: what do you actually want—and how does this particular solution get it?

One spouse says, "I want to move closer to the city." The other says, "I want to stay in the suburbs."

But sadly, neither is communicating their underlying desire—they're merely presenting strategies to meet that desire without expressing it directly.  Until couples focus on what drives their proposed strategy, they will keep circling the same arguments without healthy resolution.

A Better Way

This exact problem is addressed in the book Crucial Conversations, where the authors present a four-step process to bridge this common disconnect and help people find solutions that genuinely work for all parties.  They call it the CRIB method.

C - Commit to Seeking Mutual Purpose

Both of you must agree to stay in the conversation until you find a solution that genuinely works for both of you. Not a compromise where both feel like they lost, but a creative solution that feels like a win-win, since it effectively fulfills the underlying desires for both parties.

This requires suspending the belief that YOUR preferred solution is the only viable option. It means trusting that there's a mutually beneficial option you haven't discovered yet.

This commitment alone changes everything. You're no longer trying to win the argument. You're working together to solve a shared problem.

R - Recognize the Purpose Behind the Strategy

Instead of debating competing solutions, get curious and explore what's actually driving them.

For the couple discussing where to live, their solutions feel incompatible, but watch what happens when you dig deeper:

"What's appealing about moving to the city?" "I want to cut my commute—I resent spending two hours a day in the car when I could be with our family."

"What's appealing about staying in the suburbs?" "I need space and quiet to decompress. I feel suffocated when everything is crowded and loud."

Now the focus can shift from real estate decisions to protecting family time, healing resentment, and creating space for rest. Those are the wants behind the conflicting strategies.

Their underlying desires were not actually in conflict, but fixating on solutions made it seem that way.

I - Invent a Mutual Purpose

Sometimes your individual desires are compatible, like above. But sometimes they're genuinely at odds. When that happens, zoom out and find a more encompassing goal you both share.

Maybe you both want "a life that supports both our mental health and our relationship." This shared desire becomes your North Star—the thing you're both working toward together.

The experience of common goals does wonders for positive regard in a relationship that felt adversarial.

B - Brainstorm New Strategies

Only after identifying shared desires is it time to brainstorm solutions—but now, you're not defending an original strategy. You're both creatively searching for options that serve both of your underlying wants.

Our example couple could:

• Find a neighborhood that's closer in but still has green space and quiet streets
• Explore remote work options to reduce commute stress
• Create dedicated quiet spaces in a smaller city home
• Consider a location near public transit to cut commute time without moving downtown

Suddenly, they have options neither considered when locked in positional debate.

Why This Matters

The CRIB method transforms how you approach every decision as a couple.

When focusing on strategies, you become adversaries in continual win-lose scenarios. When focusing on underlying desires, you become collaborators forging continual win-win scenarios.

Most conflicts aren't actually about the thing you're battling over. They're usually about underlying wants and needs feeling unseen, unheard or dismissed.

But when you show genuine curiosity about the want behind the strategies, you send a completely different message: "What matters to you, matters to me. We're on the same team."

That changes everything!

Your Challenge

The next time you find yourselves locked in debate—pause. Explore what's driving each other's particular strategy. Then listen, really listen. Not to argue, but to understand.

Find the heart-level desire beneath the surface-level solution. Then, together, brainstorm new options that honor both of your deeper needs.

It will feel awkward at first. That's okay. You're learning a new skill—one that will serve your marriage for decades to come.

When you learn to separate strategies from wants, everything changes: Conversations that used to end in frustration start ending in hope. Decisions that used to create distance start creating connection. You stop being adversaries and start being allies.

That's the kind of marriage I want for you.

Ready For More?

The CRIB method is just one of many powerful tools taught in Crucial Conversations. I've created a short audio summary that captures the core concepts—perfect for listening during your commute.

LISTEN TO BOOK SUMMARY

If you want to create this kind of communication in your marriage, apply below to work with me in counseling/coaching and let's get your marriage talking wants, not strategies.

APPLY HERE

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