How Long Does It Take?

When starting recovery, clients often ask, "How long does it take?"

The general consensus is that recovering from intimate partner betrayal typically takes around 3-5 years. However, that number says nothing about the quality of the relationship at any point during the process.  

This article addresses what you're NOT being told with that timeline and presents a faster, more effective alternative.

Traditional Recovery

Most professionals default to "3-5 years" for recovery from sexual betrayal. Considering the amount of work that must be accomplished, it generally makes sense:

• the unfaithful spouse must understand and change their maladaptive coping patterns
• the betrayed spouse must work through PTSD, restore a sense of self, and decide whether to trust again
• they both have to fashion a new relationship post destruction -- often the most challenging aspect of all

But here's the catch: the most common approach is to divide couples into siloed support systems, leaving the marriage to fend for itself.  Professionals and groups focus on a single spouse, but never both, often creating feedback loops that undermine the marriage, rather than help it.

The Math

Even when both spouses complete their individual recovery work over 3-5 years, the marriage itself remains unaddressed: 

• Him: 100% addressed
• Her: 100% addressed
• Marriage: 0% addressed

Holistically, that's only 66% complete.  Even worse, without direct support for the marriage from day one, unhealthy relationship dynamics persist and often intensify, creating additional damage and hostility.

And in my opinion, that's a FAILURE, which is exactly what drove me to develop a holistic method that treats all three "clients" simultaneously and position them as allies from the start instead of enemies. 

While more complex and challenging at times, balancing the needs of betrayal, addiction, and marriage dynamics ensures everyone achieves better outcomes in less time.

The Synergistic Effect

Just as two oxen can pull 3x what a single ox can, working as a team during recovery means it no longer takes 3-5 years.

Instead, by creating safety, alignment, and synergy from the start, both spouses shorten their individual recovery time and tend to reach 100% in around 1.5-2 years... less than half the time required using traditional recovery methods.

In addition, the marriage is already well on its way to healing and has significant positive momentum, which is opposite what happens with the traditional approach. 

While the journey is not done, the overall health of all three clients is significantly higher in less time due to the synergistic effects of working as allies, rather than enemies. 

Big Bonuses

The collaborative approach doesn't just save time - it fundamentally changes how recovery feels:

1. Hope returns faster: Positive momentum appears much earlier, creating stronger optimism than the divided approach
2. Less collateral damage: Avoiding years of additional pain minimizes trauma and prevents the "scorched earth" that typically accumulates
3. Sustainable enthusiasm: Quick wins foster mutual respect and transform future emotional work from dreaded obligation into welcomed growth

So, How Long Does It Take?

• Traditional Recovery: 3-5 years with questionable marriage outcomes.
• Collaborative Approach: 1.5-2 years with thriving marriage outcomes.

The choice is yours. Which path will you choose?

Experience the Power of Synergy

RELATED:

• Maestro Please! The Holistic Approach
• Odds of Marriage Recovery