Polyvagal-Informed Disclosure

Why do some formal disclosures create profound healing, while others leave couples worse than before? The answer lies not in the content, timing, or even the therapist's skill—it's in something much deeper: the neurobiological state of both partners during the session.

If you've read my work on Formal Therapeutic Disclosure, you know I'm passionate about doing FTD right. Seth and Amy's transformative experience versus DeAnn's devastating outcome reveals a critical truth most therapists completely miss.

The Missing Variable: Nervous System States

Traditional disclosure training focuses on mechanics—preparing documents, managing timelines, structuring sessions. These elements matter, but they're not what makes disclosure therapeutic. Blindly following mechanical procedures often leads to formal disclosure that is traumatic for one or both parties.

What I notice determines therapeutic value is best explained by Stephen Porges' Polyvagal Theory of the autonomic nervous system:

Ventral Vagal (Social Engagement): Safe and connected—where soul-level healing happens.

Sympathetic (Fight/Flight): Threat-activated—information processed through survival, not healing.

Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown): Overwhelmed and collapsed—nothing meaningful can be integrated.

Here's the critical connection: therapeutic disclosure can only occur when both partners are in social engagement. When either partner is activated or shut down, disclosure becomes traumatic.

Where Traditional Approaches Fail

Think about DeAnn's experience: "Later that night, the trauma pushed my brain into overdrive. My nervous system and body collapsed. My arms began to rise automatically as I lay down trying to sleep. My words were incoherent sentences."

This wasn't therapeutic processing—this was nervous system overload. While the professional followed industry standards, there was zero consideration for neurological states.

Or consider Corey and Kacie, who "entered the session in a state of hyper-arousal. Corey hung his head in shame and Kacie trembled with fearful anticipation." Two people in this state of fight-or-flight cannot engage in meaningful therapeutic work.

Current models assume that correct content plus proper protocol equals healing. But when our nervous system perceives threat, we move out of the prefrontal cortex where integration occurs and into the limbic system where survival takes priority.

The Polyvagal Alternative: State-Based Readiness

I use a radically different approach that prioritizes neurobiological readiness. My assessment isn't "Is he ready to share information?" but "Are they both secure enough to remain present, calm, connected, attuned and safe while processing painful truths?"

This requires extensive preparation and offers no predictable timeline:

1. Nervous System Regulation: Both partners learn to recognize states and implement self-soothing techniques, taking full responsibility for their own emotional regulation.
2. Co-regulation Skills: They develop healthy emotional detachment that allows for attunement without enmeshment, which prevents them from becoming dysregulated even when the other is escalating.
3. Safety Building: The system narrative must shift from doubt and mistrust to confidence in each other's pursuit of safety and empathy.

Disclosure only happens when both can access social engagement during difficult conversations— remaining curious instead of defensive, connected instead of isolated.

What This Looks Like

The "just right" timing isn't about calendar months—it's about nervous system capacity. Some couples reach readiness in 12 weeks, others take 12 months.

Amy's polyvagal-informed disclosure brought healing and integration. DeAnn's traditional disclosure left her traumatized. Same intervention, radically different outcomes—because their nervous systems were in different states.

Most therapists lack training in nervous system regulation and work with only one spouse, missing the systemic dynamics that determine success or failure.

The Choice Before You

Path One: Follow traditional protocols focused on timeline and mechanics. Faster but often creates scorched earth [coming 9/25].

Path Two: Do the deeper work of healing nervous systems for therapeutic engagement. Takes longer but creates an unshakable foundation for holistic healing.

Most couples choose Path One due to the allure of a concrete and controllable process.  But as DeAnn discovered, fast isn't always better. Couples who choose Path Two—like Seth and Amy—don't just survive disclosure, they're transformed by it.

The Deeper Question

This approach isn't just about information dissemination. It's about understanding yourself fully so you can show up completely, honestly, and wisely vulnerable. Both spouses recover their full humanity and collaboratively heal from relational trauma.

When you understand that healing happens between nervous systems in states of safety and connection, everything changes. Disclosure becomes less about information transfer and more about creating conditions where two people can be authentically present with painful truth.

The question isn't whether you're ready for disclosure— it's whether you're ready for it to actually heal your nervous system and then heal your relationship.

So, how therapeutic do you actually want your disclosure to be?

If you're ready to learn how to do disclosure right—prioritizing therapeutic benefit over speed—watch our free training "Disclosure Done Right" and discover how nervous system readiness changes everything.

RELATED:

• Disclosure Done Right webinar
• Scorched Earth Part 1 - Creating Devastation [coming 9/25]
• Scorched Earth Part 2 - Rebuilding from the Ashes [coming 10/2]